argentina – diagnosis – i’ll see you in my dreams

well, that didn’t go to plan.

argentina, and life.

both were planned, with a brief guideline on my part, summit and grow old happily and unencumbered with any crap diseases.

neither have gone according to the plan, but life isn’t linear right, it has challenges along the way, and a measure of the person is how they handle disappointments i reckon.

as i entered the neurologists office, he smiled, and courteously held the door open for me.

i walked down the corridor led by his instructions, “after you mr smith, first door on the left” as i passed the noticeboards with old covid 19 messages, and that undeniable smell that hospitals have entered my sensory system.

“take a seat”

and within what seemed like seconds, he offered me the words that changed my life, with immediate effect.

“mr smith, you have parkinsons.”

my brain normally works very fast to risk assess in any situation, and i am a good one to have on your team, as i don’t panic under duress, and this situation was no different.

within a nanosecond i had computed that thank goodness i didn’t have a brain tumour, which had been my fear, and whilst i didn’t know much about parkinson’s, at least i wasn’t going to die from an inoperable tumour, glass half full right?

in a very practical way i asked the neurologist how he knew so quickly, and he referenced how he had watched me walk down the corridor, and that my left arm wasn’t swinging, and that facially i had looked expressionless, almost grumpy, and it took great control on my part to not not crack an inappropriate gag about how this was my resting bitch face, and that i had looked like that since 1984.

he prescribed some medication, and whilst he was talking, i went into shock, and didn’t hear a word he said.

as i walked into the bright sunshine, numb, i knew i had to communicate my diagnosis to tania who was waiting in her car facing me as i walked towards her.

i could see her worried face looking at me for some sign to confirm everything was ok.

it wasn’t.

under pressure, i went to default mode, and did a thumbs down sign, ridiculous, and with hindsight really funny, as it’s obviously my ‘go to’ method of communicating crap news from behind glass, as prior to this, some years before, tania’s mum had passed away peacefully in her sleep, and i had to break into her house, and locate her, returning downstairs to open the curtains and again behind glass, communicate with tania via the thumbs down sign language, not emotionally sympathetic, more of a pragmatic symbolism, caused by shock.

as we drove home we talked about what had just happened, and it was very much like a dream state for me, and as i write this, it is the first time i have relived the experience in my mind, and i am at peace with it, no anger, no pain, just pragmatism, and excitement to see what adventures my life holds in store for me with my new uninvited friend.

i apologise for not writing a blog for so long, after my unsuccessful trip to argentina attempting to climb aconcagua, i was in a skewed headspace and not ready to share my diagnosis story.

now i am.

so, today i will keep it short as those bins aren’t gonna empty themselves, but over the next few weeks i will share more about not reaching the summit, how fricking exciting the bigmoose journey has been since i last wrote, especially completing project 1million, some of the phenomenal numbers we have been recording with helping people, and what the future looks like with parkinsons.

thank you for opening and reading this blog, and if you’re a new subscriber, i won’t be offended if you unsubscribe, as this ain’t your normal kinda blog, but if you wanna stick around i’d like to think we can offer you something a little different, and hopefully make you smile as we get to know each other.

to finish up today i wanted to tell you story, and share some lyrics.

when i was a fresh faced teenager a friend of mine told me about this guy bruce springsteen, who was full of a full of energy american singer songwriter, and proceeded to play me a bootleg cassette tape of one of his concerts.

i fell in love.

with his lyrics, his energy, his politics, and he became the soundtrack to my life.

during my ice hockey career his music was my pregame go to, getting me excited and amped up for action and success, and throughout my life his music has always been there.

i am lucky to have seen him a number of times, and this year to celebrate my 60th loop of the sun i have managed to see him in his hometown of new york, and my ex hometown of london, and he is the fittest 73 year old i have ever seen, still doing three hour non stop sets, absolutely inspirational, and he finishes his current set with a song called ‘i’ll see you in my dreams’ referencing losing one of his mates, and the lyrics are beautiful, so as I reflect on how my best mate’s passing has inspired me on this bigmoose adventure, i wanted to share these lyrics, and beautiful video:

 

The road is long and seeming without end
The days go on, I remember you my friend
And though you’re gone and my heart’s been emptied it seems
I’ll see you in my dreams

I got your guitar here by the bed
All your favorite records and all the books that you read
And though my soul feels like it’s been split at the seams
I’ll see you in my dreams

I’ll see you in my dreams
When all our summers have come to an end
I’ll see you in my dreams
We’ll meet and live and laugh again
I’ll see you in my dreams
Yeah, up around the river bend
For death is not the end
And I’ll see you in my dreams

I’ll see you in my dreams
When all our summers have come to an end
I’ll see you in my dreams
We’ll meet and live and laugh again
I’ll see you in my dreams
Yeah, up around the river bend
For death is not the end
And I’ll see you in my dreams
(See) you in my
See you in my dreams

Go

And I’ll see you in my dreams

blue skies,

jeff

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